way back home

Why do 9 out of the 10 choices i make in life carry so much uncertainties?
Am i the only one who's feeling that way?

I just submitted resumes. I hope something good comes out of it.

My job is so painful.

p/s: i'm thinking of moving to wordpress
pp/s: how do i add my tweeter status to my blog? (not that i'm a big fan of tweeter)

le sigh.

On a lighter note, i was reading an old blog.
Check out what i blogged. It's in mandarin okay. How power is that?
In case you're wondering..yes i have moved on, that was 2008 okay!
Now i find that blog extremely stupid.

gross.

back with a vengeance

I'm back from blogging after a significantly long hiatus. Reason being, i need to express my pent up frustrations over my job, to which i prefer to pen it down in words. At least it spares the poor ears of my listener from a session of verbal vomit which comprises mainly of whinings, cursings and vulgarities.

It probably is irritating to have someone complain on and on about the same old shit everytime you speak to them. I can unabashedly say that i'm one of those pests. teehee. If you were to look back at my older posts, you would probably find the same old whinings. But do i look like i care? So i shall continue writing.

As always, (not that it really dawned on me till today), that i'm apprehensive about staying in my job. It seems like things these days are beyond my control; rather, i tend to let it fall under the control of something called "excuses". Blame it on the market, blame it on the weather. In all honesty, i am extremely extremely tired. Mentally and physically. First, mental exhausation is something that can't be compensated. Second, weekends can never be compensated monetarily. Even 2 weekdays can't match up a Saturday. You get my drift.

Most importantly, the crux of my entire episodes of apprehension is that i'm losing faith in everything that i do. My beliefs have steered a complete 180degrees turn from me.
What the heck.

It probably shouldn't take me that long to come to such realisations. But all i wanna do now is pack up and run away, even if i do not have a destination. That's how bad i wanna run away from it. I could go on a sabbitcal to think twice before i make my move, than to make the same mistake again.

This is such a slow and painful process...without anaesthesia!!

disappointment

my job causes me to hate myself at times

though everything is beyond my control, and least to say my fault, why do i harbor guilt and shame?

directionless

At times, i really wished i knew what i want in life.
Being 25 make me feel like a grown up. Think financial commitments, paying income tax etc etc.. However, even at this point in my life i'm not sure where my future lies. I can't see myself in 20 years time. Not even 5. sigh.

Am i going through quarter-life crisis?

Why is it that i don't know what i want? Or am i too afraid of pursuing dreams? Are dreams even made to be realised? How do you even answer that?

Don't you ever dream of being a millionaire, well i mean who doesn't? but how feasible is that? The minority of us probably don't chase after dreams since they're known to be unrealistic or too far fetched. I'm such a coward. Or am i afraid of failure?

Sometimes i wish i could be like Mike. Drop every thing, learn a foreign language and go to a foreign land just for the fun of it. He's pursuing a dream or at least something he likes. Being a Singaporean made me an overly conservative person who thinks that if i go by the route less it'll make me a social deviant. By that it means i should live up to society expectation; go to school, get an education, get a job, settle down and start a family. Why can't i just work part time doing waitressing at a bistro, earn enough money just to travel and see the world, meet people and be happy.

I hate it when most people measure success by the digits in your pay cheque, or even the type of car you drive. We can't bring all that to heaven (or hell for some) can we?
And when you die, no one will really remembers how hard you've slogged your whole life just to pay off mortgage loans or car instalments. They'll probably remember you as a friend who was always there them.

So once over dinner in Sydney, i was telling mike how i wish i could just i could travel around the world. He told me it's a choice. i could just go afterall,i don't have mortgage loans to pay (YET!), nor kids.
Hm.. he has a point, but is it realistic? No wait!If this is a dream, then it's not even supposed to be realistic.

Lilies & Eye

photocredit: https://www.beyondblossoms.com/images/EasterLilies_zoom%20copy.jpg


photocredit: http://www.microscopy-uk.org.uk/mag/indexmag.html?http://www.microscopy-uk.org.uk/mag/artfeb08/bj-lilies.html

If there's any other reasons i could think of, that caused my eyes to itch; a feeling akin to cooties in head (not that i've ever experienced that!) in the middle of the night while i'm asleep,definitely had to be the pollen grains of the white lilies beside my bed.

And how in the world did the pollen grains end up irritating my eyes when i'm asleep? It must've been for that very brief moment i woke up middle of the night to pee.

After that, I was woken up by an awfully immense itch, which disrupted my sleep for the rest of the night. I was rubbing my eyes so badly, i was tearing like there was no tomorrow. And the aftermath of eyeballs destruction? A scratched cornea, or so i would think. My prognosis could be wrong. For 15 hours in the day, i constantly felt as though a dust particle was embedded in my eye, despite the relentless blinking. This sensation however was ironically negated the moment i put on my contact lenses. My prognosis was further confirmed by my best friend, Google, that it could be due to "tiny clogged glands".
Then again, Google could also be wrong.


Hence i concluded that the pollen grains might have caused an allergic reaction which led to extreme violent rubbing of eyes. My bad! ( i could now feel the vitreous body of my right eye slightly compressed; or am i just being a paranoid android?) which inadvertently led to the clogged glands.
To make matters worse, those pollen grains are creating a huge mess on my bed side table. A gust of wind, and you get orange particles scattered all over. That is what you get for a long dangling filament -effective wind pollination that comes together with an allergic reaction.

I've learnt that flowers are meant for shelves and study tables. Not bed side tables no matter how much i like them. Don't get me wrong, i still love lilies nonetheless. But probably not as much after my horrific sleepless eye-rubbing night.

And to end things off on a lighter note, my childhood ambition was to be a botanist. I remembered everyone laughed when i told them that. Oh well, look where i am now, seems like they really got the last laugh.

SHIT

this is such an apt blog title.

I'm having a terrible tummy ache now.

That's because i had curry + rice for lunch, curry + 1 prata for dinner, and a handful of hay bee hiams for snacks.

I'm glad it's not as bad as a Mcdiarrhoea. McDiarrhoea is when you tua lau sai because of the damn McSpicy Burger. Anyone encountered that? You ass literally burns.

toilet now.

Ta!

恭喜发财!

Happy Lunar 牛 Year to one and all.

I know it's been a while. Thankfully for Firefox, otherwise i would have forgotten my password.

I never quite liked CNY except for the food. Back then as a kid, the whole novelty of helping my folks to pack ang baos/receiving ang baos was a big deal. Not until you've started working, then you realised, you could still do without the angbaos but definitely not the food.

I love CNY food. I never really had proper homecooked food except on special occasions. CNY being one of them. The closest thing to homecooked food to me is probably the typical B-grade chap cai peng at kopitiams.

To me, homecooked food is the real deal. The time and effort taken to prepare a feast is simply commendable. Each year, we gather at my maternal grandparent's place for reunion dinner/CNY lunch &/CNY dinner.

Reunion dinner is the usual steamboat. Did i mention that i love steam boats? This year was a disappointment because there wasn't fish dumplings. But i could still do with the fishcake tofu, fishballs, abalone etc etc. And there's something so special about my grandma's steamboat soup. I think it's the spoonful of fried garlic and shallots that make me want the soup more than anything else.

I've always wondered if everyone ate the same thing as my family on CNY. By that, i don't mean the typical love letters/pineapple tarts/hay beehiam. I mean proper food.

On CNY, my grandma always makes her 'to-die-for ngoh hiangs'. Literally! I could eat that for like...eternity and never get sick of it, unless my Na level decides to shoot up rocket high all the way to my brains. Besides the ngoh hiangs, there's always the chap cai with black fungus and mushrooms, stewed pork, steamed chicken and sometimes curry chicken. Oh there's also fishmaw, sea cucumber and pig's intestine soup aka ti tor soup (which i like because it's really peppery, but i don't eat inerts) I'll definitely choose all that to the usual bah kwa.

Speaking of bah kwa, my family didn't buy any this year. It could be because a) no one can be bothered to queue b) we stopped getting bah kwa for gifts c) it was too unhealthy. I'm proud to say that this CNY, i barely ate a piece of bah kwa. hooray for me. Then again, you might say, what is CNY without bah kwa. Please lor, you get bah kwa all year round, it's not like the shops open during the festive season.

My grandma takes pride in her dishes. She never believed in eating out because she thinks that the ingredients used are inferior. I always remembered her telling me not to eat wantons/sausages from hawker because they made of dog meat instead of chicken/pork. Yes, to that very extent. She often tells me that she chooses lean meat, or how she cleans the tau ki (for the ngoh hiang skin) over and over again. And how she scrubs the pig's intestine so that there won't be any smell (clean or not, i still don't eat them)

It also occurred to me that the older generation folks are like chelating agents. They help to bring all family members back to gather on CNY. What would we do without them??

CNY went by just like that. It was quite an ordinary day. I wish i made it special. Maybe next year i shall capture everything in pictures. But for now, i shall go count my ang baos, and focus on my 2 weeks long detox program by utilising the copius amount of fruits (mandarin oranges, mangoes, peaches) that i have in the refridgerator.